Transforming Jealousy
True Love
Throughout my twenties I’ve had the good fortune to be able to travel. I’ve spent time living with people from all walks of life - from indigenous tribes in the Amazon to millionaires in Switzerland. Of all the differences there were to discover - music, food, ceremony, tradition - there was always one thing we all had in common. One theme that flowed through all of our lives. The energy of love. Yet the more I traveled, the more I noticed just how different we are at expressing it! The giving, receiving and sharing of love changes radically between our cultures. And the more time I spent living with tribal communities, observing their relationships, the more I became aware of my ‘western’ way of loving. Compared to their gentle, often unspoken yet mutually understood communication of love, my way seemed out of balance and full of fear. I realised I wanted to experience love in the joyful way that they did. It wasn’t until some years later that I would learn how. I didn’t know it at the time, but the beliefs, attitudes and habits of my own tribe ran deep - and it was going to take some serious work to become free of them.
The concept of true love has always fascinated me. I’m calling it true love, as opposed to unconditional love, as for me unconditional love is a term which I’ve never really understood. Throughout the early years of my spiritual journey, I thought that the ultimate ‘goal’ was the giving and receiving of unconditional love. This seemed to be a common theme in most of the books I read and workshops I went on. After persistently trying to love total strangers, and to adopt a ‘love all’ attitude, but getting nowhere, I finally gave up. I realised that what I really needed was much closer to home. Before I could even begin to ‘love all’, I had to learn to truly love those closest to me. And I had to learn how to truly receive their love. As someone who’d had a lifetime of being jealous, possessive and insecure in my relationships, I had my work cut out.
From what I was reading, hearing and occasionally experiencing during ten years of spiritual seeking, I knew that there was a great river within me, but it wasn’t flowing. I spent those years looking at the river from above, wishing and willing the water to flow, expecting that one day it’d gush through me and spill out in all directions, in a big ecstatic torrent of unconditional love. Fortunately, about two years ago I found my way down to the beginning of the river. As I sat and looked at it, I saw that there were more than a few stones in it. Some looked more like boulders. I knew that if I wanted the river to flow I’d have to move them myself. One by one. And it might take ages. But I had no choice, as the other way hadn’t worked. I felt overwhelmed, daunted, and I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to do it. At this point I felt very alone. That was until the river spoke to me. It told me that it too wanted to flow.
The river is my spirit, the energy of true love. The stones and boulders that block the flow of the river are my karmas. In this part of the river, the boulders are called jealousy and possessiveness.
My parents were intensely jealous people. Yet looking back, I see how subtle it was. No open blaring rows, no “you can’t wear that out” comments, only 20 years of ‘staying safe’, of keeping each other suffocatingly close, of allowing the dust to settle on the others wings - for to do otherwise would have been far too scary. To give the other freedom meant giving them an opportunity to meet someone else, so they made sure that didn’t happen. When my mother finally did stretch her wings, and start to find ‘herself’ after 15 years of child-raising and home building, the relationship crumbled. It couldn’t bear growth or change. But it wasn’t just their relationship in which these emotions were displayed, I remember my mother being jealous of my relationship to my friend’s mums - as if our relationship was somehow threatened by my admiration of other women. I was raised with the belief that the tighter you cling to each other, the stronger your love will be. Jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity were part of my everyday life.
As I write this I remember my first ever boyfriend, aged 11. I slapped him in the face because he ‘two-timed’ me with another girl. He still wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t get over the feeling of having been betrayed, or that he’d wanted another woman over me. I was racked with jealousy already! At 15, in the midst of the rave scene, I had a drug fuelled relationship with a very charismatic and flirtatious guy. I soon found that I couldn’t bear the pain I felt at him dancing and flirting with other women. So I made sure I was always by his side so that he’d not have the chance to ‘stray’. Eventually, after almost two years, the relationship ended. I was suffocating him. It was my clingyness and jealousy that had irrevocably damaged the relationship - not his actions.
At 17 I moved in with an intensely jealous and possessive man - who I later realised suffered from extreme paranoia. We fed each others fears, as addicts help each other get their next fix, and our world became smaller and smaller. Fortunately, I left him. I started listening to the voice within me that had been whispering for a long time.. Because by now it had started to shout, ‘Something’s not right here!’
I began to wonder where that voice was coming from. Suddenly various books came into my hands, The Celestine Prophecy, The Alchemist, and The Hidden Journey story about Mother Meera. I was inspired and started practising yoga and meditation. I began developing some awareness of my destructive patterns, but my subsequent relationships still ‘worked’ on much the same basis. In fact, the energies of jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity had wormed their way in to every close relationship I’d ever had. I was starting to realise that ‘who I thought I was’ was quite possibly not who I really was. It was this realisation that made me quit my £60,000 per year job, sell my house, and leave my boyfriend. Off I went, aged 21, on my quest to discover who I was, and find a way to leave the other bits behind!
It took almost ten years to find that way. During that time, I travelled far and wide, had many gurus, attended dozens of workshops, but found that nothing tangible was happening. I’d feel good for a while, have blissful experiences, but my day to day ‘stuff’ was still there. I was still as jealous as before. Much was brought to light in that time, but nothing I’d found seemed to be able to transform it.
The past few years have been different. I started practising a meditation called whole body energy awareness, which took me to the beginning of the river. I began to recognise that the aspects of my personality I’d identified as ‘not really me’ were actually a mish-mash of other people’s beliefs, fears and opinions - in other words - other people’s energies or ‘foreign energies’. Through my practices, the gradual process of transformation began. I developed a sense of where those energies had come from, how much they controlled my behaviour, and to what degree they were blocking the flow of true love. More importantly, I knew what I needed to do about it.
Some of the foreign energies that I picked up from my parents as a child, and perhaps brought with me from previous lifetimes, manifest in my personality as jealousy and possessiveness. As a result, I’ve not truly been able to love, or receive love. Until now, I’ve been loving the only way I knew how, by a points system. ‘When you do this, I’ll love you more. When you do that, I’ll love you less. When you say that, I know you love me. When you say that, I know you don’t.’ Now I’m learning to throw away the scorecard, and am discovering what happens when love is given and received in the spirit of joy, freedom and understanding.
I choose to ‘live with intent’ - to live with the Spirit in my life - and do my practices each day. This enables me to see that when my awareness, or ability to express the spirit, is blocked by an outmoded habit, or foreign energy (a karma), and I am ready and willing to acknowledge it, then I’ll be given the opportunity to transform it. Life brings me the exact situation to trigger the emotion/behaviour pattern - in this case jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity - so I have the chance to act differently, to change. These are the times when I have to stand in the river and start moving those boulders.
Eliminating the energies that bind me to behave as I always have is a big job. Yet I know that if I really want to express the Spirit, to allow love to truly flow, then it’s a job that needs doing! If I continue to react to situations in the usual way, then my awareness in that area of my life will stay dull, and the doors that could lead me to experience true love will remain shut.
So, having decided to reclaim control of my life from jealousy and possessiveness (I’ve called them Snitch & Snatch - I’ll explain why later!), my spirit starts giving me some strong medicine. Snitch & Snatch aren’t at all pleased about the sudden loss of power. Having been part of my life for so long, keeping me identified with the pain and suffering, they throw up a million and one reasons to justify my emotions. They have some very good points to make about why I should be jealous. But, I remember something my teacher once said to me, “there’s always a good reason to be unhappy”.
Although I still experience the presence of Snitch & Snatch, they no longer control me in the way they did before. I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to disappear altogether, but change is happening. It’s a slow process, full of breakthroughs and set-backs - so I also get plenty of opportunity to practice patience and self-acceptance! I find that sometimes I am able to ‘nip it in the bud’ - as I am increasingly mindful of when I am being controlled by a foreign energy. The times I don’t catch it - and they come leaping through the back door ready for a party - it doesn’t take me long to realise what’s happening, and to do something about it. Now I know what they look like, I can choose to ignore them! It takes a huge amount of effort and sometimes it gets exhausting. But it’s absolutely worth it. I’m in a relationship now which truly encourages the flow of true love. My partner sees me struggling with boulders in the river, but doesn’t jump on in to try to help (though sometimes he’ll splash me if I’m getting too serious!) He’s met Snitch & Snatch on many occasions, and has allowed them to rant and rave at him, without ever joining them for a fight. He see’s who I am. And he see’s who I’m not. He accepts me, and has faith in my ability to transform my karmas into higher awareness. Thanks to the power of the true love flowing in this relationship I’m able to free myself from the grip of jealousy and possessiveness. I’m finally learning how to give and receive true love.
Day-to-day life is where it all happens. Although I often feel like I’m in a war between good and evil, I know that the ‘enemy’ is actually there to serve me. The challenges are just fuel for the fire of my awareness. The more of it I burn, the brighter my fire becomes. Situations which spark these foreign energies are gifts from my spirit, moments in which - if I have enough energy - I can choose to act on the basis of who I really am. Instead of jealousy and possessiveness I can choose happiness, playfulness and freedom. These are the times when the river and I dance, together in the flow of true love.
It was true love that I’d seen reflected in the hearts of the wise people I met, and it was true love that called me to discover it - the true love of the Spirit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you’ve recognised that Snitch & Snatch are energies that damage your relationships, then here are eight practical ways in which you can cultivate the energy needed to bring about real change...
Golden Flame
Locking up Snitch & Snatch can sometimes make them shout even louder. This simple writing exercise helps you to express them in a non-harmful way, and gives you a chance to ‘witness’ them in action.
When you’re feeling jealous or possessive, try writing a letter to the ‘object’ of your emotion, it may be your partner or someone you’re ‘jealous of’. Really allow Snitch & Snatch to let loose, give them absolute freedom to say whatever they want to say. As this is happening be aware of the part of you that is compassionately observing these energies. Once they’ve have had their say, end your letter by thanking the person to whom you’re writing. Often this comes naturally, but if it doesn’t, make a point of acknowledging in writing the essential part they are playing in your self-development by showing you your shadows so that you can bring them into the light. They are giving you an opportunity to act differently.
Once you’ve finished your letter, take it outside or over a sink, set light to it, and watch it go up in smoke.
Naming Ceremonies
Naming your foreign energies helps you to disassociate from them. Once you’ve given a name to the controlling emotion or way in which you no longer wish to act, you’re able to recognise it more easily. It’s like getting to know a house full of people, then choosing your friends. A wonderful poem by Rumi I once read describes thoughts and emotions as house-guests. You’re encouraged to welcome them all in, but it’s then up to you which ones you entertain!
True Love - a book by Thich Nhat Hanh
My partner gave me this book at a time when I needed it most. I’ve since recommended it to many people who want to ‘be a better lover’! It’s a delightful, simple read which gives powerful ways to develop your awareness of true love - and practise it!
The True Love Egg - from the creators of the Energy Egg
I and many others have experienced the effect of this beautiful little egg! Kept in your pocket, it beckons or strengthens a heart-centred relationship that supports and encourages your spiritual development.
Energywear - tsedeva
Of the five energywearTM symbols - tsedeva is for happiness. Simply wearing it will help you deal with emotions like jealousy and possessiveness by causing your happiness ki (or chi) to increase.
Power Walking
A physical practice to help move through jealousy. This practice, from the Energy Awareness Training, is designed to help leave foreign energies behind.
Form a claw with each hand so that the back of the hand is straight - fingers and thumbs bent in towards the palm. Then extend only the little finger. This is the mudra for leaving past angers behind. As you walk, keep your hands in the mudra, while keeping the backs of your hands facing forwards. There are four points to remember while walking - keep your attention on the end of your nose, your eyes looking straight ahead, feel the ground beneath your feet and breathe deeply through your nose. Try to Power Walk for about 30 minutes a day, or try it when you feel a reaction coming on.
Rains of Change
The hardest, yet possibly most effective remedy for stopping repetitive negative thoughts in the moment. At times when you just can’t seem to get something out of your head, or let something go, pour a glass of cold water over your head! It’s strong medicine, but done regularly is a very powerful practice. Rains of Change causes your 6th chakra to eliminate the foreign energies that cause jealousy and possessiveness. This must be done outside, as the light of the sky plays an essential part in this practice.
© Natalie Fee 2008 - this document and its contents may not be copied or reproduced without the authors permission.
